I don’t know how funny this blog will be and if you begin to read this blog and think “wow she’s really oversharing,” then this blog isn’t for you. I’m writing this blog because I don’t want to. I am writing this blog because abortion is taboo and when you get one you really just hope no one finds out, you hope that you can recover mentally and physically and emotionally without ever talking about it.
When I was in highschool I used to tell myself if I got pregnant at 16 I would get an abortion, but once I turned 18 I would have to keep it because then “I’m an adult.” When I turned 18 I realized I sure as shit was not ready for a kid and I told myself “well, when you’re 21 you’d have to keep it because you’re older and legal and basically grown up.” When I turned 21 I said to myself “you know what? I think 25 is more reasonable. At 25 I’ll probably be in a relationship if not engaged or married so there’d be no reason to get an abortion.”
Luckily, over the last two years my views have vastly shifted. I used to cringe when I heard people say “abortion is health care,” not because I didn’t believe that to be true BECAUSE I DO, but I didn’t like how lackadaisical it sounded. I used to think abortion was a last resort and now I know it is. No one is walking around encouraging pregnancy for the sole purpose of abortion because it’s a hella good time, “bottle service this weekend? nah, I’m getting an abortion, fuck ya!” But it felt weird to me to place abortion in the same arena as a trip to the eye doctor. As my views have changed, though, that is EXACTLY the category it should be in. It should be normalized for the sake of the sanity and health of the women involved. The choice to have an abortion poses a different level of difficulty for every woman. For me, immediately and confidently I knew that it was the right decision but even so it wasn’t truly easy and I am heavily pro-choice. Abortion is not painless at this point in time, it isn’t how you want to spend your Saturday, so I want to talk about it because I know going through it alone would’ve been scary and I don’t want any woman to make a decision that they believe to be the right decision for them, and not feel supported. So here is my story and know that I am always here.
The Symptoms:
My period is incredibly regular and I’ve never spent a whole lot of time tracking it. So when the third week of the month came and went I started to get a little antsy. It was fine, though, because I had all my period symptoms. I had been cramping for a while, eating a lot and my boobs were sore but by the 28th those symptoms were not enough to keep me assured. In fact the more I thought about it the more those symptoms worried me. It wasn’t until I ordered $50 worth of Chinese food alone, took one bite and almost threw up that I realized I had been nauseous all day, every day for about 2+ weeks at that point. (AND FOR THE RECORD- morning sickness is NOT limited to the morning. My nausea didn’t usually appear until midday and worsened around dinner time). Then I started to think harder about the past month and there was more than just sore boobs and nausea. For almost all of June I was in a terrible place mentally, there was a day I distinctly remember thinking about checking myself into the hospital. I was constantly anxious, I couldn’t do anything without this dark, irrational fear looming in the back of my mind. I had to go nonstop to keep myself from feeling like I was losing it. I completely forgot what it was to feel like myself. I also could barely keep my eyes open after 3pm which I equated to the weird depressive phase I seemed to be in.
The Moment of Truth:
I coincidentally had a good friend’s baby shower to attend that Sunday, afterwards I met some friends out for brunch which resulted, as brunch will, in a Darty. For some reason throughout the day I began to feel more and more worried about whether or not I was pregnant. My breasts were noticeably bigger and I couldn’t do anything quickly without soreness and for the number of days I spent cramping I really should’ve started my period already. So I left the Darty and headed home, stopping on the way at Giant Eagle to pick up a pregnancy test. Once home I Facetimed my best friend as I opened the first pregnancy test. It was not even 1 second after I peed on that stupid fucking stick that the second “positive” line appeared on the test, brighter than could be. I did not react in any way I could’ve predicted. I saw the result and immediately was filled with the most overwhelming happiness and so much love. It was a moment I had been waiting for my entire life. I was so proud of my body and my “baby,” and I just wanted to be happy with someone about it. I wanted to tell the “father” and laugh and cry and celebrate. I suddenly had an answer to why I had been feeling so off for the last month and shit just finally made sense. After that initial moment had passed I knew exactly what had to be done. I needed to schedule an abortion immediately. The “father” and I were not dating, we were not compatible, we had no future and while I don’t think he’s a bad person there was nothing in me that wanted to share the rest of my life with him in any capacity. We both had career goals, financial goals and I think just a general idea of how we wanted life to play out for ourselves that didn’t include each other or a child and that wasn’t something that even needed to be discussed. “Why were you having sex wth him if those things are true?” you might ask, and the answer is because this is 2020, I do what I want and god DAMN the sex was so good. I mean really top notch. I don’t think there is anything quite as awakening as sex with someone you really just want to strangle in a murder-y way AND a sexual way. So anyway, we were still irresponsible, we still should’ve been using some sort of protection and get this, ladies and gents, I got pregnant from precum. like there was a small being beginning to develop in my uterus from 15 minutes worth of mind blowing sex and a lil bit of precum and I know we all knew it was possible but like statistically COME ON.So in summary, I decided to schedule my abortion.
Scheduling & Pricing:
Wanna know one reason you SHOULD FUCKING VOTE BLUE? Because if I wanted to have my abortion in Columbus (which is in Ohio-a currently and historically red state), I would’ve had to wait almost an entire month before they could get me in, then I woud have to go in for a SIX HOUR consultation with a doctor, then I would have to wait AT LEAST 24 hours before being able to actually have the second appointment where the medical or surgical abortion is performed. So instead I scheduled it for that Friday in Pittsburgh at The Allegheny Reproductive Health Center. The price was $440, plus the potential for an additional $50 shot if it is needed (discussed later).
The Day Of:
I rented a car and drove to PA (alone). The day of the abortion my mom and I picked up my best friend Bella and we drove to Pittsburgh, about a 2 hour drive from my hometown. My appointment was scheduled for 11am and I wasn’t allowed to take anyone in with me so my mom and Bella went on a little adventure and I entered the clinic alone. I spent about an hour and a half in the waiting room before they took me back for a sonogram where I got to see the little grain of rice I had created. She asked me if I wanted a picture and I said yes, I still have it and for a while it was hanging on my fridge but everyone told me that was really weird. For me, it was just a reminder to myself that I will get another chance in the future and because of the decision I made that day in Pittsburgh, when that time comes I will be stronger and happier and ready to be a great mother. So anyway, after the sonogram I waited about 20 more minutes before they took me back for bloodwork, just an easy finger prick. They check your blood type because if you have RH Negative blood type you have to get an injection called Rhogam, it usually costs $50. About an hour after that, I was taken into a tiny room and had about a fifteen minute consultation where a very nice lady asked me if I felt supported in my decision and whether or not there was pressure from anyone else to make a decision either way and then she gave me some facts and explanations. At 2:30pm (apt started at 11am) I was finally taken back to see the doctor. We had a quick chat, she gave me a pill to take orally, right then, and 4 more to take orally or vaginally within a certain number of hours. She gave me a painkiller prescription and I was on my way. I drove us to Grove City for lunch and then we went home. I decided to take the 4 pills vaginally at 9pm. So Bella and I went to my friend Hannah’s house to hangout. I took the pills, put on my adult diaper and awaited the unknown. Around 9:30/10pm I dropped Bella off and went home to my parent’s house.
That Night:
I felt fine but asked my mom to stay up and watch a movie with me. My dad went to bed (as far as I know he does not know about this so maybe let’s keep it that way). My mom and I were sitting on the couch. I had chosen not to take any painkillers because I like to feel things. I’m the person who watches when I get shots or blood drawn. But let me tell you, THAT WAS A MISTAKE, TAKE THE MEDS!!!!! TAKE THE MEDICINE I BEG OF YOU!!!! With that being said, If you read my IUD blog you know that I don’t react normally to cervical/uterine/pelvic area pain. I’ve had basically legitimate hours of contractions now on two occasions. I thought that there is no way this abortion process would be worse than getting my IUD in which was like 4 hours of scream crying and all the muscle relaxants they would prescribe me. I was very wrong. At around 10:20pm I texted my group chat that cramps were starting and by 11pm I was imobile. Another good thing to note is that it was 90 degrees and my parents don’t have air conditioning. When the cramps started to intensify I began to realize I wasn’t as okay as I thought I was. I began to feel dizzy, light headed, like my consciousness was drifting in and out but the pain didn’t subside. I tried to not vocalize my worry to my mom. She sat next to me and told me to breathe, but finally I couldn’t stay calm anymore and I told her I was scared. If I wouldn’t have had my mom there (a doula) I would’ve gone to the hospital. It didn’t come and go like normal cramps it was a constant siege of searing, red hot, agonizing pain. Within 20 minutes I was wearing nothing but the diaper, dripping sweat out of every pore, I couldn’t see because sweat was dripping directly from my eyelashes into my eyes. My mom helped me get to the bathroom where I simultaneously vomited and shit over and over while my mom wiped me off with cold towels. I focused on slowing and regulating my breathing with loud, deep dying animal noises and letting the pain roll over me, trusting that my mom wouldn’t let anything happen to me and I could at least release the anxiety and panic I felt from no longer being in control of what was happening to my body as it emptied itself of literally everything. I have a hard core dislike of showing weakness but there I was soaking, shaking, naked, holding a trash can in between my knees, slumped on the toilet, crying like a baby to my mother. This went on until around 1am when the contractions finally slowed and I was able to keep down some water and (way late) a painkiller. I was asleep by 1:30am.
The Day After:
I woke up at 8am the next day feeling like a new woman. It was the weirdest sensation. It felt like I had been revived overnight. Maybe after 4 hours of the most intense pain in my life I woke up with the knowledge that I survived, I was alive, I was healthy, I got through it and I was going to be okay and to me that was the equivalent of waking up and finding out I was superhuman. I understand now why women give birth and can so quickly consider doing it again. One of my first thoughts after was that I can’t wait to have a child for real because I have a small taste of what labor will be like, I know I will survive it and when I do have a child the end result won’t be financial, social, mental, physical freedom for the foreseeable future until someone loves me enough to make a baby with me, but it will be the actual beautiful human life that I created with someone I love. And when that day comes it’ll be pretty fuckin dope. (I am not trying to equate my abortion to someone else’s birth, merely the pain to outcome ratio). The endorphins that ran through my body when the contractions had subsided made me feel invincible. I felt so strong and so capable and so reassured that I was going to be okay mentally, physically and emotionally.
I want to reiterate that my experience was not normal to my knowledge, nor is my intention to scare anyone. I am confident I made the right decision, I am not ashamed of my decision, I would make the same decision again if I had to and after speaking with friends before and after my experience I was the only one who had a bodily reaction this extreme. I am a statistical outlier. On the spectrum of abortion experiences without medical complications I can pretty easily say that mine was absolutely not normal and when you read about abortions most articles are about how abortions aren’t even close to as painful as you are told, that conservatives paint a horrendous picture to scare women into not having them. There is not a part of me that doesn’t believe that is 100% accurate. I spoke with FIVE friends about their experiences and they all would say that their abortions weren’t that painful. My experience was different, though. I wasn’t prepared for the “worst case scenario,” (without medical complication) situation that I ended up in. But regardless of how my journey differed from the journey of others, it was temporary, short term pain, I survived it, I feel stronger knowing what I am mentally and physically capable of, I am not scarred, I do not regret my decision and I am better off for it.
To You:
What I will say is, I was lucky I had the support system I did. I was lucky my mother has been at countless births and understands the female body, labor induction, contractions and empathy (even for a daughter who she told COUNTLESS times, to get on birth control and stop being an idiot). I was lucky I had friends that answered questions and listened to me and supported me through it all. My advice to you, should you ever choose what I chose, tell only those who will offer you love and support, because you might need it. We are all different and we will all handle this experience differently. Ask for help when you need it, mentally, emotionally, physically. Do not let ANYONE shame you. There is nothing shameful about making a decision that is right for you, there is nothing shameful in that decision being easy to make, there is nothing shameful in that decision being difficult to make.
To Me:
There was a time that came before your appointment when you were walking down the road and holding your belly without meaning to, and you realized it and were filled with a melancholy that you still can’t describe. Once you sat in the car and screamed while you cried in the middle of the night because there you were, handling things that need to be handled and your body felt wrecked and your mind was cloudy and you just wanted someone to take care of you. At one point you, actually at many points, you made abortion jokes that got some laughs (I mean, you’re fuckin hilarious) but that’s just the only way you knew how to commuicate about it without breaking down. Those moments did not mean you were weak, they did not mean that you were making the wrong decision. They were moments that you let yourself feel the grief of a lifetime of planning that just didn’t turn out exactly the way you had hoped. They were moments you let yourself admit that you were tired and that you were confused that you could feel alone even with the love of all those who care about you surrounding you every day. They were moments that you surrendered the obsessive need to be perfect and instead you did what you always do. You showed up and got shit done.
In Conclusion:
Since then there have been people that walked out of my life because of the decision I made, I am sure once I post this there will be even more. and I have to remind myself that this decision does not define me and I will not be quiet about it just to make someone comfortable, just to avoid risking them passing a judgement that they have NO right to pass. Now, months later, I do not grieve, I do not regret, and I really don’t spend any time thinking about it. It was very simply, in its culmination, a moment in which I made the right decision.