A lot of times when people talk about closure I find myself asking what that really means. The idea of closure is supposed to be comforting. That idea that there will be some conversation that packages up all the emotions, the new and confusing hurt, the affection that no longer has a place, and transforms it into a moment of clarity that allows you to move on without feeling like there was something left unsaid, some act left undone that could’ve salvaged whatever it is that you are moving on from.
Now, I’m not a therapist and a lot of what I say is half of a thought on paper. But hear me out.
The type of closure that one needs to move on from a relationship comes strictly from within. It comes from trusting yourself, not necessarily trusting that every decision you make is the right one but trusting that every decision you make will have an outcome that you can “survive.” And survival I’m sure seems a bit dramatic but survival is the cornerstone of building a dream life (duh), and some days it might be all you’re capable of. But when you trust yourself you understand that closing one chapter means starting another.
When you’re sitting there, scrolling your phone, trying to figure out which friend to reach out to in order to get the answer you want to hear (the friend who will say yes girl, text him, you deserve some closure!), maybe try thinking about the fact that what you’re looking for isn’t closure. In that moment what you want is the last word. You’re seeking permission to have one more desperate conversation, just a couple more moments clinging to something that was realistically already lost. (Or maybe this is literally just me and in that case this is awkward because I, like usual, am telling on myself). But truly, closure really is what brings you peace and healing the quickest. Closure is prioritizing your energy, your emotions, your needs and wants instead of allowing yourself to live on the back burner of someone else’s hypothetical stove. Closure comes from within no matter how corny that sounds.
I had an epiphany the other night, if you can call it that because it is certainly at least part of a thought that I’ve had before… I’ve always been upset when it comes to the standards I’ve allowed for myself in relationships. I’ve always wanted a relationship that feels like I am being fought for and not against. Like you’d be hard pressed to find something that could keep us apart because what we have is so fiercely integral for mutual happiness. And yes, I’m surely hyperbolizing, I’d be boring if I didn’t. But what I realized is that I don’t allow that for myself. When I enter a relationship it has always just been me fighting for it. And it’s typically not reciprocated. Eventually it begins to feel like my desire to have that person in my life is what I’m fighting for and their subconscious desire to leave is what I am fighting against and all that allows for is me to go yet another day without someone who is there for me the way I try to be there for them.
And I think understanding that about myself has been tough to come to terms with because it makes it hard to trust myself. If I love myself why would I continuously put myself in situations where I am not treated with the kindness I crave or the affection that I deserve? Why am I consistently willing to sacrifice my standards in the hopes of achieving an outcome that I am very clearly being shown will not happen no matter how much want it and no matter how much I give up?
So this is where we circle back to closure. When my question is “should I reach out?” The important thing to ask yourself is why are you reaching out? What do you think you’re going to get from reaching out and don’t say “closure,” because we’ve established that closure comes from within, not from having the last word. Closure comes from evaluating what has transpired to lead you to where you are and understanding that you’re worthy regardless of how you’ve been made to feel (whether purposeful or not). You are worthy of love and patience and kindness and trust and when someone can’t give you that, it’s time to provide it for yourself. And choosing yourself is more an act of closure than one more desperate text or tipsy call will ever be.
The other thing about closure is that sometimes it is helpful to look critically at a situation and how it did or did not serve you. What can you take away from the situation that you want to carry forward into the future and what about the situation was unacceptable to you? The things that you deem unacceptable are helpful to call out for a couple reasons. One reason is because they can help justify moving forward. “I wish xyz would’ve been different, and it is something that I ignored while it happened because that is what was easiest for me but now that I’ve removed myself from the situation this thing is not something that I want repeated.” It helps remove the rose colored glasses that we choose to put on for whatever reason which can help the transition into your next chapter make a little bit more sense. But also because if we can actually adhere to our own standards of how we want to be treated, recognizing what we will and won’t stand for is a great way to make sure you don’t “waste” any more time being treated in that way.
As someone who very much dislikes being alone I constantly find myself heavily emotionally invested in people and there have been more than a few that just kind of make you stop and go “what the fuck are you doing, Maia?” Not because they’re ugly or stupid or cruel or anything outwardly negative but because most of them have shown me quite clearly that I’m not truly wanted and I just ignore it because I hope that if I can just be better then they’ll want me. But what about what I want?
I’ve dated men that I saw myself building a business with, traveling the world, and sharing a professional life.
I’ve dated men that made me want to work long, shitty hours because they had a dream and I wanted to be able to support them through that. I wanted to see them live up to their full potential and I saw myself as someone who could be there to make that happen for them.
I’ve dated men who have made me want to be a “dinner is on the table” kind of wife. Forgiving, loving, and domestic.
I’ve dated men who have made me want to be a mother. Who have made me want to have a child because even for a short while I felt secure enough that I could have a family to love and grow old with- even rock a mom car and that didn’t somehow make me “less than,” it didn’t mean I had to give up on myself and my career, it was just another version of my future.
And I’m allowed to simultaneously want all those things, I’m allowed to be inspired by the person that I love in different ways, in ways that serve us and the life we want to build. But right now, I am going to allow myself to not know exactly what I want until I’m shown what I deserve.
And now I’m about to say the most cringe shit you’ve ever heard.
I want to find someone who makes me want to dance. And this is kind of a metaphor but it also is kinda serious. Let me explain. I don’t like dancing. I don’t like doing things that I’m not good at and I don’t like embarrassing myself. It causes me physical discomfort to think of being “goofy.” I’ve always stuck to relationships where I’m not forced out of my comfort zone. People who agree, we’re “too cool,” and being goofy is awkward and weird. But I’ve come to realize that, while I say I am open and transparent in relationships, I’ve built up walls of bitterness around things I’ve never had so I don’t feel bad for not having had them and I’ve stopped letting myself want things that I’m afraid I’ll never get so I don’t feel like a failure if I never get them. When really maybe I deserve someone who looks at me when I say I don’t dance and convinces me that it might be fun, someone who shows me all the things I thought only belonged to other people and bad romantic comedies are actually for me too.
So all that to say, closure comes from within and you should use it to provide you help in healing from the past as well as a tool to create a better future. Closure is the first step in the direction of bringing your dreams to fruition, it should be the bridge from just getting by to truly thriving.