| I’m sitting at a bar on the beach in Chania, Crete. Listening to a live band perform wonderwall (english is not their native language so I’ll let the fact that they are performing WONDERWALL slide). And I’m thinking about how the fuck I got here. And I’ll tell you how. Because I am a human that has built their entire life around the idea that humans are inherently good, if you love HONESTLY you will be loved honestly in return. If you are true to yourself then others will be true to you. Let’s get more cliche. I believe that the energy you put out in the world will be returned to you in kind. Maybe the last 3 years have turned me into a cynic but holy FUCK am I a moron? Recently I began seeing a guy who -by all accounts- was not my type. And you should know one thing about being with a man who isn’t your type, when they disappoint you it is a tenfold disappointment. Because you made an exception for someone that you otherwise wouldn’t have given the time of day. Like when you fuck a 6 because he is weirdly good at wakeboarding and has a super cool dog. But then BOOM suddenly you’re not enough for him when in reality he didn’t deserve to spend a moment in your presence, but I digress. I ALWAYS trust my gut, and I am rarely wrong. Which is exactly how I got out of the most recent dumpster fire of a quasi-relationship. I had the “ending it” text typed out and sent before I had 5 seconds to think about it. I remember looking down and seeing “delivered” and thinking what have I done? This is the first person who I have truly cared about in so long. I felt safe, I felt secure, I felt appreciated and I would have gone to bat against the best fast ball in the league, call it 104mph I’m swinging- when it came to whether or not I should trust him. AND GIRL I WOULD’VE STRUCK OUT SO FAST. This man lied to me about every goddamn thing under the sun. He said AND I QUOTE “…I’m not fucking around on you while we aren’t together. That would make me a liar and it would just be wrong and personally I don’t want or need to.” AND BECAUSE I AM A SKEPTIC I SAID “Just don’t make me look stupid, don’t let me be the second one to know something that is relevant to my life” AND HE SAID AND I QUOTE “I will not do anything to destroy the sense of security, safety, and comfort you experience with me” TO WHICH I REPLIED “thank you” to which HE REPLIED “You don’t need to thank me for that, I enjoy seeing it on your face.” Ladies. I should’ve ran. I should’ve seen through the bullshit being fed to me. BUT because I was forcing myself to go outside my type I did the opposite (and also because the sex was incredible and I was obsessed with his body omg those working man shoulders are deadly). I said to myself, these walls you’ve built, this fortress surrounding every real emotion you are capable of feeling, you’re going to unlock it. You’re going to let this man walk his thiccccc ass right in and make himself at home because after all this time you deserve to be with someone who tells you what you want to hear. Because I truly thought it was authentic. I thought…this is that good thing that you’ve been waiting for. After having an ex that broke 2 of my phones by throwing them into walls, that broke two tvs by chucking them across rooms, that threw lamps and computers and terrified me in my own home- I was finally safe. After the ex that listened to me tell him I didn’t know if I wanted to be alive- to which he replied “that’s stupid,” I was finally safe. Someone I could let in that wasn’t going to hurt me like that. Someone that said kind words to me constantly and kept a smile plastered on my stupid face. And let me tell you I was ready for something good. It didn’t need to be love, it didn’t need to be forever, it didn’t need to be true commitment- IT JUST NEEEDED TO BE REAL and it wasn’t. None of it was. So what’s the point? The point is for weeks I put my gut on the back burner, I let my brain soak up all the golden words he said to me, I let myself fall asleep on his chest thinking there was no other place in the world that I was safer. And finally my gut said HEY BITCH, ARE YOU STILL THERE? I ended it for no reason. I did not find out until days after I sent that text what I had actually been allowing to happen right under my nose. My gut saved me from further embarrassment. So what does that mean to me? Can I trust myself still or have I lost my grasp on what’s real? SO how does that tie into how I ended up in Greece with a stranger? Here’s how. Because I needed to test myself. I needed to see if I was truly capable of judging someones character whether or not that ended up in assault, rape, murder, trafficking whatever. I didn’t care. I needed to see if I had any grasp on reality left or if I would let myself walk into something I couldn’t handle. And as of today- I’m still kicking. But looking back, here’s what I learned. No one will ever be capable of their actions directly matching their words 100% of the time, but there is a threshold. You can forgive mistakes, you can give grace, you can overlook imperfection. That doesn’t mean you’re stupid. That means you are kind, that means you are trusting, that means you are loving. It doesn’t mean you can’t be with a man who comes out of nowhere and surprises you with sweet words and soft touches. But it does mean, when that happens you have to look inside yourself and truly understand what kind of mental stability you are willing to risk if it all comes crashing down. It means you have to trust your instinct. It means when you feel the need to second guess, you second guess. That doesn’t make you insecure- quite the opposite. You have one life to live and you can do that however you see fit but I am telling you to truly know yourself before putting yourself in that position. Know what you want, know what you deserve, know what you are willing to endure. So that if it ever comes down to whether or not you trust the reality in front of you- you are capable of making the hard decisions, the shitty choice, the resolution that hurts you just as much as the potential truth of the situation. You should never walk away from any type of relationship wondering if you’re a fucking idiot. If it comes down to walking away you should do it fully confident that you did the best you could with the information you were given. And that is ALL you can ask of yourself. Don’t change your standards for anyone. Don’t let anyone waltz around your good judgement because you showed your vulnerability. Vulnerability can be a strength too. There’s not a whole lot that’s stronger than a woman who says I’m ready to risk being hurt so that I can love but I will not allow that hurt to continue simply to be loved. |
2 thoughts on “Liars & Cheaters & Fakes, Oh My!”
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Darling! Who are you in Greece with? Are you safe? And most importantly, you can call and wake me out of a sound sleep anytime if you need to talk. You are loved! And for the love of &$-;, don’t ever date a Republican again-kk!🙄😘😘
Great post!