You’ve been clickbaited, bitches. Lucky for you the story I am about to tell you is infinitely more entertaining than how to online date. This is the story about a Hinge date I went on that went terribly, terribly wrong….or did it?
Let me set the scene..
Towards the end of the summer this cute lil’ gentleman matched with me on Hinge. We chatted a bit- he wasn’t really my type physically but let’s be honest, beggars can’t be choosers and I understood that to normal people he was very good looking. After about a week of messaging he kind of faded off. I didn’t think anything of it because I only use Hinge when I’m drunk and/or bored. About a month later he popped back up and apologized, telling me that he didn’t want to get involved with me while he was still going through shit with his ex. What a guy! So he asked me on a date, I said yes hesitantly because my energies were focused elsewhere but I remember what my 6th grade science teacher told me long ago…”there’s nothing wrong with playing the field.” So thank you Mrs. Wright for your valuable insight I guess? The day of our date he texted me to remind me (per my request) and of course I had completely forgotten, as I knew I would. That same morning my friend texted me and told me she was coming to visit me for the weekend. So I respond to him by essentially saying “I’m hungover, I will not be showering and also I am bringing my friend.” THIS KID’S ANSWER was “I can’t wait to meet her!!!’ Like what a sweet angel!!!
So let’s get to the good part…
We started out at a piano bar. I couldn’t focus because the music was so loud and so horrendous that I was seeing red with murderous rage but I remained cool-trying really hard to hide my eye twitch and clenched fists.
We decided to leave- at this point my friend was almost to Columbus so we moved to Brother’s (if you’re from Erie it is like the Bourbon Barrel of Columbus, absolutely horrendous if you are 21+ and not into grinding on sweaty frat boys). I pulled my friend aside and warned her that I was incredibly hungover and the only way I was going to be able to survive the night is if I drank heavily but at the same time when she sees me getting drunk she needs to stop me because I won’t do it myself. She agreed.
We played shuffleboard, or as Hinge Boy calls it “slidey game.” We FaceTimed my mother, we talked about my dead brother…super normal first date things. He’s read my blog like omg my friend and my mother already loved him. We attempted to go to Bulwinkles but Hinge Boy had forgotten his ID at Brother’s so we went back, got it and headed to Bristol (I think?). At this point I was quickly approaching blackout. My friend was standing between Hinge Boy and I, kissing both of our cheeks one at a time and I was slamming tequila as per usual
END SCENE
I woke up, pretty disoriented, definitely still drunk. I wandered out of the bedroom (who/what/where/when/why/shit dude) and saw Hinge Boy, who had clearly slept on the couch. “Bruh, wtf” I said. Then, panicked, I looked at the time. Hinge Boy was supposed to have left at 5am to go to his family Christmas thing in VA. It was 9am. I AM SO SORRY, you’re going to be late!! I said (or something like that idk, I was still drunk remember?)….only that wasn’t the only thing I needed to apologize for, as Hinge Boy quickly filled me in.
FLASH BACK
After Bristol we went to Food Hall (?), to this day (2ish weeks later) I don’t know what or where that place is. Apparently, my friend and I were casually standing there and without any prompting we started hard core making out. Honestly, not surprised. Moments later my friend turned to Hinge Boy -and as Hinge Boy later recounted- she stuck her tongue down his throat hahahaha, poor dude. but at the same time, good for you?
“I think this is probably the time where I should tell you that you and I made out too, that’s how we ended up losing your friend.” Hinge Boy tells me. I may only sleep with one person at a time, but let me tell you I am a makeout BANDIT, so I was not shocked. But losing my friend, now that’s both shocking and an inconvenience for sure.
If you remember, I woke up in Hinge Boy’s bed alone, and Hinge Boy was on the couch, so where was my friend you ask???
Apparently while Hinge Boy and I were making out my friend wandered away. Shortly after the makeout seshes (plural because you remember there was my friend and I, my friend and Hinge boy & also Hinge Boy and I) I was kicked out of Axis (super fun gay bar, I’ve been told) for being too drunk. Again, these things are not surprising to me, although it is my first time being kicked out of anywhere. Hinge Boy escorted me outside, I fell immediately, he picked me up, I walked five more steps and face planted once again- moving my legs isn’t something I really love doing when I am drunk- this time I resisted Hinge Boy’s efforts to pick me up and I attempted to sleep on the sidewalk outside of the bar.
Hinge Boy physically lifted me, put me over his shoulder and carried me to the Uber that he ordered.
Once in the Uber I proceeded to throw up all over myself.
Yes I will let that one sink in for a moment. God I am fucking sexy Jesus Christ BONER ALERT.
He attempted to unlock my phone using my face to call my friend but I put an aggressive end to that- you don’t get to look in my phone you psycho fuck!!!!!! I might be covered in my own vomit but I HAVE BOUNDARIES OKAY?!
While this was happening, my friend believed she had been abandoned at the bar… my apartment was unlocked and she had my address but instead she called her mom crying, surrounded by supportive gay men at Axis, her mom gave her the name, number and address of a family friend in Columbus. My friend called that person, woke her up, ubered to her house and stayed with her.
So now- and I am sorry, Hinge Boy, if I have left out any details that I have refused to let you tell me out of sheer embarrassment- we are back to where we ended; in his apartment, the smell of the previous night’s vomit wafting aromatically off of me. “I’ll drive you to your car.” He said, or something like that…I was still drunk, remember?
The best part of this ENTIRE thing is that he texted me the day after our date and told me he had so much fun and wanted to go out again. Date #2 is set for tomorrow…I’ll keep ya’ll updated on because I know you’re invested in this relationship now.
