I’ve basically been in a relationship since 8th grade with short lapses in my highschool years but the last 8 years were spent in two long term relationships. So you have to imagine my ineptitude when I became single in a new city with no real way to meet people. I turned momentarily to Hinge, the dating app. And this was my experience…
If you are similar to me, you are initially superficial. What I mean by that is if you don’t hit me like a god damn Mac truck with a physical appearance that really just lays me the fuck out, the chance I have any interest in you is very slim. Let me repeat, though, I said initially. If I am in, say, a work setting where everything is strictly professional and I get to know you as a friend/coworker I am more likely to develop an attraction to you past your immediate physical appearance.
Why is this a HUGE issue for me on dating apps?
- 1) I probably won’t spend time matching with someone who isn’t drop dead, do-me-right-now sexy & those are incredibly hard to come by.
- 2) Guys usually aren’t as talented at taking flattering pics of themselves.
- 3) Then there are the guys who showcase a much better portfolio, unfortunately if you are sporting the Blue Steel look in every pic it’s a no from me.
Interest:
My last two boyfriend’s I saw from afar, decided I wanted them and then actively pursued them. My last boyfriend was closing out his tab at my bar on St. Patrick’s day and I took his name off his tab, followed him on IG and DMed him my number. I have created this pattern in my dating life because when a man shows immediate interest in me I tend to back off and the more they pursue the more put off I am, I need a significant amount of platonic time to figure out how invested I want to get and if Day 1 you’re going out of your way to make physical contact (hand holding, hair petting, anything) I am gonna probably never speak to you again. So when I am in control, or as my friends say, when I’m hunting, I am way more confident and assertive.
First Impressions:
The other issue I have with dating apps is making a good first impression. Chances are, if I’m out with friends and I meet a guy I am being myself but I’m also balanced by the people I’m with. This allows a guy to develop interest in me from afar and to lean on the positive/accepting impressions my friends have of me. More often than not, you’ll hear my friends introduce me to people with lines like “This is Maia, I warned you about her,” or “That’s just how Maia is.” On Hinge, however, I’m shit out of luck with most men (which to be fair might not be a bad thing). I don’t ever conserve my opinions, I speak honestly and bluntly to EVERYONE in my life and Hinge is no different. Because Hinge is based solely on first impressions and it’s incredibly easy to not give people a chance to make a second impression, this limits how successful I am.
Ex: I recently had a guy stop speaking to me immediately after I said I didn’t like Florida because “it’s a trash state that smells like a 17 year old threw up a 4Loko.” Like, was I being completely serious? No, I’m not completely ignorant, there are a lot of amazing things about Florida, but do I like it? Not for anything more than a long weekend vacation. Would I stop speaking to someone if they told me that they didn’t like Erie because it’s a trash city where “high fashion” is Forever 21, “fine dining” is the Peach Street Olive Garden, there’s 100% chance you will witness a heroin overdose if you stay on State St. long enough and most of the population has witnessed a girl publicly pee somewhere outside of Coconut Joe’s at some point in their life? No. While that is an ungracious hyperbole focused only on the negatives there’s not a whole lot to argue.
The Ghost:
Another thing I’ve never dealt with is being ghosted. I’ve never had a one night stand, physical attraction for me is so rare that if I find someone I actively WANT to hookup with I don’t let them go and I’ve never really had anyone disappear on me for no obvious reasons. This might partially be because I am super up front so when something changes in the dynamic of the relationship (be it a guy I’m frequently hooking up with, talking to or dating) I call it out and it is usually met with a valid explanation that lets me move on without questioning why it’s over or it allows us to work through the issue. In the last two months I’ve spent on Hinge I’ve only met one guy that I had a true interest in. He checked all my boxes initially, he was gorgeous, smart, funny and had his shit together. We talked for a while and hung out a couple times. I was in a weird place to be fair, I really liked him, but I never felt like I was my true self around him because I was so enthralled by watching him be him. I was not my assertive, blunt self, I felt like I was merely a passenger on his train, but I liked being there. Our interactions faded pretty quickly after about a month, there was never a conversation about why, I reached out a couple times and he responded but the indicators were there that it was just not going to happen so I let it go but holy fuck did it bother me. I wanted so badly to ask why?! Was it me, was it another girl? What did I do to make him lose interest? For about a month it was nagging me in the back of my mind. I thought deeply about asking him what happened, and I weighed the pros and cons and I concluded that knowing WHY he lost interest wouldn’t change anything. If he told me that I was too much, then that doesn’t change who I am, and if he told me he just liked someone else more, then there would still be someone else. The only possible outcome I could’ve hoped for would be a situation in which he told me something that I was able to do to make it work, but that would imply that there was something about me that he couldn’t accept and yet I was supposed to accept everything about him. In addition to that being a possibility, I was the one who had to be the first to talk about it, and communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship so if he couldn’t even communicate in the first place it just wouldn’t work. And I guarantee there is a girl out there that he would be willing to communicate with, it just wasn’t me. And what if he didn’t reply? Then I would’ve had to deal with being dropped AND the embarrassing feeling of having gone out of my way to be vulnerable just to feel like an even bigger idiot. Being ghosted is not fun, not only is it hurtful but it wastes your time because I don’t know one person who has been ghosted that hasn’t spent at least a small amount of their time running through the possible reasons for what could’ve happened and sometimes even leading to self-deprecating feelings of inadequacy. This leads me to my final issue with Hinge…self-awareness.
Self-Awareness:
This is gonna sound REAL stuck up on my part which is not my intention but you’re on my blog so you probably already know something about my personality. I can’t imagine a guy who wouldn’t want to be with me. Okay-if you’re a conservative I get it, that makes a lot of sense, I will drown you with my ultra-liberal ideals. If you’re sensitive I get it, I can be really harsh without meaning to be. But everyone else, like WHAT THE FUCK. I am above average in the looks department, I am funny like 67% of the time, I am smart, I’m well-traveled, I’m a good cook, I have a decent sense of fashion, I work out, I love adventure but I also love Netflix, and because would I really be a girl on Hinge if I didn’t add the fact that I LOVE tacos and margaritas?
I recently had a conversation with a guy I met on Hinge that has since become a friend, where he said he felt the same way about himself. And that made me think. I recognized that he was an attractive guy (which is why I matched with him in the first place), he was very nice and respectful, and he made good conversation. He had all of that going for him, but after meeting him (maybe it was just a timing issue in my life), I wasn’t interested in anything more than friendship, yet we both thought the same thing about ourselves, who wouldn’t want us?
My only answer to that is something intangible, some people call it passion, some people call it spark and sometimes it just isn’t there. When the spark doesn’t exist there’s not really much to do about it, but it is important to be self-aware but also use that self-awareness to remember your self-worth. You might think you’re the best thing since the invention of Plan B and just because the spark doesn’t exist where you wanted it to doesn’t change that. Your self-worth is not determined by other people’s preferences and as I’ve said SO MANY TIMES BEFORE, you will never have something that is not yours. Listen when someone tells you that and stay far away from the idea that there is something you can do to change that.
The Struggle:
I no longer trust myself. I’ve basically forgotten what it feels like to be deeply appreciated or loved in a relationship. I have a hard time discerning who I am actually attracted to and who I am subconsciously driving myself toward because self-destruction is my forte. The men I’ve chosen to give my attention to recently are not people I’d ever date because in those cases the consequences are limited when I quickly and inevitably lose interest. I’ve been trying to stop being the hunter because I’ve always lacked the same thing in my previous relationships, and that is feeling like my significant others appreciate me in the way I feel I appreciate them which is probably a byproduct of the fact I strategically hunted them instead of letting people come to me. I rarely let things I want rest and it is very rare that I don’t eventually get what I want but I’m not in Erie anymore, I’m not in college, I’m not 22 and at the bar every night with all my friends. My dating reality is changing and I need to learn how to adapt or maybe I’ll just accept that month long benders and reckless behavior is infinitely more fun than being a healthy and functional adult in a relationship. While all I actually want is to meet a partner who speaks my love language, supports me, encourages me, trusts me and lets me be my WHOLE self with a healthy understanding that we are equal and independent parts I’m going to gracefully (or amidst apocalyptic ruin of my own creation) exit the dating scene and pray that the aforementioned dream guy just appears quietly and unexpectedly in my life so we can begin the greatest adventure we’ve ever been on. And if that day never comes, I will stay in love with myself, my strength and my energy, watch a LOT of Pornhub and eventually take over the world.
